It's been a while, and I might be rusty - but this Sunday's Criminal Intent?

Dearest Goren and Eames,

I'm sorry I haven't spoken for a while. I'm sorry I was distracted by shiny, younger things, and life, and Jeff Goldblum. I'm sorry I ever doubted your position as Baby's First and Only OTP - truly, truly, truly, madly and deeply.

Is that why you did what you did on Sunday/Monday (Australian time)? Because, like, it's been eight years of my life and - well. Goren, you were jealous. Not jealous because Eames was eating a bacon sandwich, or because other men get to wear ties and you're stuck pretending you like that whole open-necked-undershirt deal.

Jealous-jealous, as if you loved her and considered her the one thing in your life that hadn't turned to shit. Because she is, y'know? And. I just don't know if I can take the whole 'asking-straight-out-and-to-the-point' thing. I mean, no euphemisms, no obtuse behaviour - you just asked if she'd slept with Raul and - uh. You were jealous. And.

Look. Let's get together and do this shit in caps, okay? Because I'm not sure I can entirely manage nor digest the fact that eight years of humming and hawing means I have an aneurysm on the couch because you STARED AT HER and acted like a jealous mountain man boyfriend.

That ain't cool, dudes. But I'll take what I can get, and draw love hearts around your little screwed-up heads with gusto.

Love, Pieces
xoxoxox

Previously on CI:

So there's a murder, right. And really, really long teaser scene. And then there's Raul Esparza, who I had been internet-stalking recently and don't you think it's weird when that happens? When you're looking someone up and then they're there, being an ADA in CI?

Anyway.

He and Eames have ~history~. So Goren pulls out his Perfect Asshole Voice, and...acts like a jealous boyfriend.

(Uh. BRB checking outside window for the Four Horsemen/plagues of locusts/Lindsay Lohan's career)

Eames, in her adorable little beanie, is too confused ~~and aroused~~.

I'M WATCHIN' YOU, SONNY (still no signs of the apocalypse, guys)

Oh, wait, here's our old friend Nancy. That counts as a sign of the devil, right?

Goren. Goren, Goren, Goren. I have missed you, bb. And your obvious inner turmoil at wanting your own terrible tabloid magazine show versus MAJOR CASE SQUAD MANPAIN SANDWICHIN' LIBRARY CARD IS HIS WEAPON etc etc.

Captain Bitch Please, hay! Hi! Awww, he looks sad. He misses Todd, like we do. And, uh, wonders if Eames is okay to be on this case because apparently she was the lead detective and gee, I really failed at giving any background on this episode didn't I?

All you need to remember? Raul + Eames = ~a past~. All and good? Happy and settled?

Then this happens.

"DID YOU SLEEP WITH HIM?!?!"

I swear to God, I had to stop the episode and just gape into thin air for a couple of moments. Seriously. Because this right here? Is the sum of many parts, coming together and building, building, building - and. Boom. Trying to explain this to anyone outside of CI circles would be agony and probably be answered with a "so freakin' what?" Just. I can't even. Two of the most emotionally stunted characters on television, two snapped-in-half partners - the fact Goren even asked? Like a muthafreakin' earthquake in their terms.

Yep.

Hehh-yep.

"Alexandra Eames! You do exist!" Yep.

OH JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH.

This = any other fandom's equivalent of a consummated relationship complete with over-turned coffee table. Seriously. Guys.

They go to some bar Eames and Raul hung out at during whatever the episode's about, and Goren, in his own special way, starts diggin' for info on their relationship.

Yep. "White wine and bourbon!"

She ain't stupid, dude, and likes the hard shit when it comes to her drinkin'. And I literally squealed. Because I am a loser.

Jealous McJealouspants KNOWZ there is something up with Raul, so he quite obviously and rather passive aggressively starts watching tapes from That Case Eames & Raul Had Together That I Forgot To Explain. It's awkward, and reminds me of another similar time he put his big-ass foot in it.

Yep.

Look, Goren. I can write it down for you, if you'd like? "Oh, Eames, I dig into this crap because I want you to be emotional so I can totes hug you and make ~love~ to you like the big ol' bacony stud I am!"

Or go to the bar to pump Raul for information, either way.

It's like watching an animal adapt to another species, isn't it? ~~I ship it.~~

I really just don't have the words. It's all just too overwhelming in it's YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP-ness. And Katie is pretty.

Insert joke about closet cases here

Of course, to ensure that Goren and his lady-partner are left alone in absolute desperate silent longing forever more, Raul's a study in Carl Jung and likes ladies' underwear.

It's all kind of odd, and not particularly fleshed out, really.

But I guess I may have been distracted by the most important parts. Partnerz do their partner thing, and Goren gives Eames the most wonderful of gifts:

The chance to cuff the cross-dressin' bloke she may of slept with if she hadn't stuffed up a deposition and thus dresses in her clothes and is a creep! Bless.