i'll give you careless in red

[piecesofalice]

daygloparker and grenadine have been mainlining Inspector Lynley recently, and, like most sane fans of the series, hadn't read the latest Elizabeth George Lynley-verse book, Careless in Red.

I have, because I'm a masochist - thus, I feel it's my duty to share the wonderfulness of Hobo!Lynley.

Yes, flisty. HOBO. LYNLEY.





SPOILERZZZZ

Careless is set almost straight after Helen dies, thus E.George passive-aggressively-talk-to-the-hands season six.

The book begins with Tommy, in all his amazingness, on a walk. A really long walk, and one on which he forgets how to bathe.

He carried virtually nothing with him. An ancient sleeping bag. A rucksack with a bit of food that he replenished when the thought occurred to him. A bottle that he filled with water in the morning if water was to be had near the site where he'd slept. Everything else, he wore. One waxed jacket. One hat. One tattersall shirt. One pair of trousers. Boots. Socks. Underclothes. He'd come out for this walk unprepared and uncaring that he was unprepared. [...]

He was thus engaged in a wager with fate. If he survived the walk, so be it. If he did not, his ending was in the hands of the gods.

TOMMY LYNLEY HAS MANPAIN. DO YOU FEEL HIS MANPAIN, FAIR READER? DO YOU?!

This carries on for about a chapter and a half, where Tommy talks about god and life and keyboards (?) and cliffs and nothing. So it's almost like he didn't run of and bonk some chick in Europe who died, right? (I get the impression that Elizabeth George? Hates TV!Canon. Like, measure the hate for it against how ugly she thinks Havers is.)

He stumbles onto a body and then some cop stumbles onto him, and his hoboness:

He was tall, he was bearded, and he was so filthy that she could smell him across the room.

It's so beautiful, I may cry. Hobo!Lynley to the rescue - albeit reluctantly, because even he's aware he attracts shitstorms like a beacon.

Blah blah blah, crime, blah blah Lynley has a bath (boo), blah blah everyone finds out who he is. And there is TWO HUNDRED PAGES without Barbara. TWO. HUNDRED. Okay, more like 193, but still. His co-dependency respect of Havers causes him to pick the phone up.

"Yeah?" The answer was vintage Havers. [...] He drew a breath, still unsure.
She said, "Hey, Someone there? I can't hear you. C'n you hear me?"
He said, "Yes, I can hear you, Barbara. The game's afoot. Can you help me out?"
There was a long pause. [...]
"Barbara?" he said.
"Tell me, sir," was her reply.

*incoherent 'eeeee' noises* As is her nature, Barbara hops down to Hoboville, and doesn't tell him:

He returned to his humming as he towelled himself off. He was still humming, towel wrapped round his waist, when he opened the door.
And came face to face with DS Barbara Havers.
He said, "My God."
Havers said, "I've been called worse."

Cue Stock-Standard E.George 'Havers is ugly' tirade, which sort of falls to the background because why are they always running into each other half-naked? I love it. And Barbara's wearing pink flannel jammies with vinyl records on them and the words "love like yours is sure to come my way", which were a gift from Winston. I ship it Lynley just stares, because hobos have no manners.

There's lots of tensiony goodness because she wants to tell him he's a git but he's MANPAINING and for some reason, New Scotland Yard just let him wander off on a forty-four day walk. Uh. I'm pretty sure that doesn't work like that, but what do I know. There's also amusing flashbacks to his mother going "OH DARLING" when he tells her he's going for a walk. Bless.

Then they have a fight about his name, which happens frequently:

"Tommy. Or Thomas. Or whatever. But not superintendent."
"'Tommy'? 'Thomas'? Not bloody likely."

and later:

"[I want a word] with his lordship," Havers corrected herself acidly. "With his earlishness, with Mister Lynley, with whatever he wishes to be called at this point."

To paraphrase daygloparker "they PROMOTED HIM?!" Yeah. Hobos are the new Superintendents, yo! And apparently a character named "John Stewart" wants his role. Take that as you will.

He and Havers then spend a good bunch of time doing police work and shit, because, yes, there is a case a-happenin', and she pretends that she's not giving him information on the sly because he's "officially" not on the case.

Whatever.

More importantly, there's lots of longing looks and hands-on-arms and general "eeeeee"ing:

She put her hand on his arm. So rare a gesture it was that he had to look at her.
"Come back, sir."

And to make the whole thing wonderful? She goes on a rant about his properness. AHAHAHAAHAHAH I LOVE THEM, GUYSE. And, of course, they fight in front of everyone including the police Inspector Barbara is on loan to, prompting:

Are you in love with the man?"
"Who?" Havers' eyes widened. She had unappealingly small eyes, but when she opened them wide, Bea [the inspector] saw their attractive colour, which was highland sky blue. "D'you mean the super?" Havers used her thumb to point in the direction Lynley had taken ahead of them. "We'd make quite the couple, wouldn't we?" She barked a laugh. "Like I said, guv, I bloody well hope I wouldn't be that stupid."

Let's take a break, and look at a picture of the beautiful Sharon Small.



Beautiful! Smart! Capable! Progressed like a normal person does over a period of time!

Do you think a female detective with scraggy hair tripped Elizabeth George over as a kid or something? I understand what she's trying to do with Havers - an atypical female hero, a human protagonist - but really? REALLY? It discounts the whole idea if you have her as some sort of indication of how much Tommy's lost when all he has in the world is her, like it's a terrible, awful thing. It makes her less-than-human, and it pisses me off.

Anyway.

Various other parties wonder if they're a couple, and both scrinch up their noses and doth protest too much.

"I've sent your Sergeant Havers out there to bring her in if she's slithered home."
"She's not my Sergeant Havers," Lynley said.
"I'd not be so quick about saying that."
She's not rung off for five minutes when her mobile chimed with Sergeant Havers herself ringing. [...]
"You've done your bit," Bea said. "Shove off home, then. Your Superintendent Lynley's heading towards the inn as well."
"He's not my Superintendent Lynley."
"What is it with you two?" Bea rang off before the sergeant could work up an answer.

I kinda love Bea. Some crime is solved, Barbara talks about how awesome vibrators are, Lynley has angst over some woman who can't give up the fact he's not a hobo anymore ("ZOMG YOU'RE A LORD I LIVE IN A TRAILER OMMMGGGGG" etc) and it ends in a bar with Tommy eating food off Barbara's plate.

And, like always, she gets right to the centre of his cold aristocratic heart.

"Sir, if you don't mind..." She spoke so carefully that he knew what was coming.
"Yes?"
"Will you come back to London with me?" [...]
"Havers..."
"Please," she said.
He looked up at her. [...] Behind the mask of indifference She presented to the world he saw what he'd seen in Havers from the first: the earnestness and the truth of her, a woman among millions, his partner, his friend.

TOTALLY NOT ROMANTIC AND MEANT-TO-BE, NOOOOO

Then he makes walking analogies and the book ends and no-one with half a brain could pretend that their inevitability wasn't the most amazing thing ever. EVER. PARTNERZ.

Great story, Elizabeth George.



As useless as this post is, I hope you all took away the key facts:

1. Havers is a fierce bitch
2. Lynley was a hobo
3. Whatever, Elizabeth George
4. I may be drunk on Pimm's
5. PARTNERZ

Guyse. <3. Seriously.