i'll pretend i'm healthy, that everything is fine - "The War at Home"

[piecesofalice]

Only a week late - oh, no, actually, about five episodes late - but, ladies and gentlemen! It's the...

Law & Order: Criminal Intent Episode Round-Up!

(For the episode "The War at Home", or "The One with Fran Drescher and Goren's Mum")




I know I haven't done one of these since the season opener, but this little episode, in one forty-odd minute block, kindly took five and a bit seasons of canon and threw it in the air while yelling "WAHOO!" Thus, it gets recappage - and I promise, I'll go back and do the others (hello, 'Liza & The Blue Horsey' ep, anyone?), if only for atlashrugged. But to the recappage!

Previously on CI: Goren wandered around, Eames got kidnapped, Captain Bitch, Please was awesome and I ignored Chris Noth. Oh, and Ma Goren was crazy and Bobby hated his brother, fo' realz.


We open on a happy family playing house. It's Fran Fine! And Robocop! Married at last! Robocop then wanders upstairs to find his daughter, Amanda (!), is missing. (Okay, IMDB.com tells me he's not Robocop, but is Kyle from The Terminator and was in Aliens. Same diff.)


Captain Bitch, Please is having dinner with his wide-eyed children and hates Todd.


This is Todd.


The Captain hates him.

Luckily, he's saved from the WRATH OF TODD by his phone ringing, telling him Fran and Robocop's daughter is gone. Much like...


...Eames, who is surrounded by creepy children in costumes. HAY, there's the nephew she gave birth to. And I bet that long haired hippy kid is Carson Kinney-Erbe. She looks cranky, but resigned, because at least she doesn't have to spend the holiday listening to her sister bitch about how she's the "misunderstood" one who has love handles even though it was Alex who gave birth to her freakin' kid.


Same same at Casa de Goren, or Carmel Ridge. Ma G gives 'TUDE and Bobby slinks off to the crime scene.


After Goren arrives late, The Gang have some coffee with Fran and find out that Amanda, for all her clean, Army ways, was actually burning the affair candle bright. Oh, and Robocop? Is actually the Commissioner. Yo! People lie to The Gang, The Gang find out, then The Gang find the Major Giveaway Clue - Amanda's very new looking VW Beetle in the bush.

Can you say "MASSIVE MAN HUNT"?


Robocop refuses to believe his daughter is a "bitch or slut". She's engaged, dammit!


Goren's Ma's Doctor calls. Eames, annoyed by his ringtone, tells him to piss off.


Ma waffles on about how no-one wants to help her, that Bobby's a big liar and he doesn't care. Bobby's head explodes.


This maybe because Goren is on his phone trying to work. On a cellular phone. In a hospital. Needless to say, Ma nags some more. Bobby's neck explodes.


"OMG MOM." The remaining part of Bobby explodes.


Back at The Massive Man Hunt, Eames finds some knickers. These are a part of a trail of Amanda's clothing, including a bra that I'm pretty sure I own.


Captain Bitch, Please tries to hide from THE WRATH OF TODD, despite him being a million miles away and a weenie. He pretends to do work, by telling Eames to get her partner back here, LOL, he's needed.


Bored with the case, Goren and Eames go to marriage counselling.

EAMES: "You're an emotional sociopath, you put books in the toilet and you eat flowers!"
GOREN: "*STARES*"
COUNSELLOR: "How does that make you feel, Bobby?"
GOREN: "*DOUBLE STARES*"


They get stared at. This maybe because a) their zany theories, b) Goren's phone rings or c) they start making out.


You can bet it's coz Ma rings. What do you think this is, a real show with real, working relationships? God.


MA: "I hate hospital!"
GOREN: "Ma, I'm..."
MA: "I hate hospital! Where's your brother?"
GOREN: "Ouh. *sad face*"


OH THAT'S RIGHT, THERE'S A CASE. Huh. Well. They've called the Massive Man Hunt off.


Goren's Crazy Hair and Eames interview Amanda's fiance. He's no help.


Eames talks about her romantic, taser-buying, eight-years-dead husband Joe. Somewhere, Kathryn Erbe's celebrating her win over Balcer and Wolf by dancing around Vince D'Onofrio and singing, "I made something can-on, I made something can-on..."


Captain Bitch, Please is not impressed. He wishes he was playing Playstation 3 right about now.


The Gang interview some douche named Wesley. Goren shows some signs of life and pounces on Wesley's collection of radios. This means he's the killer. Oh, and the big ass, home-sewn cut on his noggin kinda gives him away, too.


"Are we on the right track?"
"Let's go and look in a car yard and randomly hope we find her body. Okay?"


HAY LOOK


Robocop and Fran are not happy. Neither's Amanda, or the people who are aware how long it would take to search the scrap yards, especially with only two people.


Captain BP is one of these people.


Needles in haystacks - found in seconds by Detectives Goren and Eames. After this, they go and have pizza, punctuated only by Captain BP and TODD going for a biff and Ma G. turning up to box Bobby's ears.

Some of that may not have happened.


I can't remember who this guy is. I think he's the fiance. He has nothing new to add, except some story about a cover up in Iraq and that's probably why Amanda was killed. INFORMATION OVERLOAD.


In Captain BP's office, Robocop expresses his grief and has a biff with Goren.


Goren, being the stressed little cookie he is, breaks his desk.


Everyone stares. Somewhere, Amanda's annoyed because her death isn't, y'know, being solved and shit.


Eamesy runs after Goren, but he gives her a "back off" across the cheek and YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET WHO PUTS UP WITH YOUR SHIT, HELLO.


But that's okay, because when he comes back all puppy like and tries to make amends, someone goes and gets a knife from the kitchenette because everyone wants a piece of that thick, thick tension.

GOREN: "Prattle prattle prattle love me?"
EAMES: "DIE."
GOREN: "Ouh. *sad face*"


Remember poor, dead Amanda? And her case? Turns out Wesley did it.


Robocop feels like a bad dad. Captain BP can't deal with the man pain, so he decides to make his detectives do their paperwork.


"I WILL NOT DO YOUR PAPERWORK."


"I AM GOING. FIRE ME, EV. JUST FEAR MY MAN PAIN!"

Executive Producer
DICK WOLF

Le Fin.

Man, that recap was a lot longer than the season opener. Like whoa.





Things of Note:

♥ All joking aside, this was easily one of the best episodes for character development since, well, ever. May you be a 'shipper, a "it's all about the story!"-ite or an occasional viewer, the information that poured from this episode was rich and freakin' thick. Whether this will lead into bad, soapy territory? Only The Wolf Man and Rene know that. But for the moment, I'm willing just to take the episodes as they come and enjoy.

♥ Oh, man - the biff between Goren and Eames? Perfectly handled, perfectly executed. Thank YOU, Writer People, for letting Eames give some 'tude back, because, yo, Girl can only be pushed too far. I look forward to the patch up, but even more so if they play this out for a couple of episodes before doing so. Go there, Wolfy and Rene! Go there!

♥ Rita Moreno is perfect. The scenes with her and Vince were amazingly complex - there is years of tension and hurt just radiating between them, but it all comes down to the fact he's her little boy and he'll do anything. Interesting use of the brother - I wonder if we're going to see him? Let him be someone equally on par - Vince Vaughn, maybe?

♥ JOE JOE JOE! Well done, Katie - your dead husband is now canon. A taser for their anniversary? Kinda gives you a lot about his personality in one line. Katie, for the most part, is handling the transition into their personal lives so well - she's come alive, really working with the emotions Eames is feeling in face of Goren's slow, languid trip into Ma-you-made-me-crazy!Ville. Thank God they gave her something to do, and a family as well. ILU, Ms. Erbe. And you looked hot in your pimpin' boots and dress.

♥ LOL TODD. LOL Captain Bitch, Please's family in general. I totally went there with Captain/Fran fic bunnies when they kissed at the door.

♥ Part of me wonders why the hell they even bothered with the A-Plot (or should we say B-Plot?), but I guess something has to be sacrificed when you've got dramarama playing out front. That said - give me Eames and Ma Goren scenes, and I'll be a happy camper.



I am loving this season. I'm drawing "I♥SEASON SIX" all over my notebooks, man. How can I be expected to wait a month for the next episode, I DO NOT KNOW.

Comments

[jenncho.livejournal.com]

Let him be someone equally on par - Vince Vaughn, maybe?

My poor heart explodes with just the idea. But since everyone has told me over and over that he has an OLDER brother, I guess I will have to settle with my number 2 choice of Alec Baldwin.

LOL TODD. LOL Captain Bitch, Please's family in general.

That "...Todd" line had me ROTF! I had to pause my dvr while I LOLed and rewound. Awesomeness INDEED!

[jenncho.livejournal.com]

Oh. And he shouldve known better than to pull that shit with Eames. (see icon)

[piecesofalice.livejournal.com]

Alec Baldwin! He always has a real air of Vegas about him, to me, sort of tired-old-skool-gambling-man Vegas. Which fits, really.

My sister suggests Sly Stallone, but I think she's a few short of a box of Fruit Loops.

Man, I need a Don'tMessWithMe!Eames icon. All I have is this one with her magnificent bed hair. :D

[cowgirl-cj.livejournal.com]

I'm in tears, cracking up right now. Best. Recap. Ever.

[piecesofalice.livejournal.com]

*bows, humbly* I do what I can in these dark, dark times.

Why is Stabler giving me his sexy smug grin in your icon? It's like he knows all my secrets!

[cowgirl-cj.livejournal.com]

He is attempting to seduce you. He will now remove his shirt. Do not try to resist Teh Sexiness of Teh Stabler.

[piecesofalice.livejournal.com]

O____________________O

*ded*

[baggers.livejournal.com]

LOL

wtf is it with dead Amandas on teevee? this week's csi had one, too.

*POKE POKE POKE*

[piecesofalice.livejournal.com]

It's because we're all DED. The world of Amandas are now ZOMBIES.

POKE ME WILL YOU. I'm encoding a movie, can't fire up AIM!

[baggers.livejournal.com]

that's okay, i was watching stupid, crappy, making me teary piece of shit battlestar galactica.

[atlashrugged.livejournal.com]

I love these recaps. Your comments are always funny. The scene with him beside the window and on the phone was painful. I wonder how his mother behaved before she was schizophrenic.

And, man, the captain really hates that Todd guy. I need more CI icons.

[piecesofalice.livejournal.com]

I did this one for you, my dear, for I know how you enjoy them. I might even go back and do the others, time permitting.

I think Ma Goren was probably a very doting sort of mother - to Goren's older brother, anyway. Thought the brother was perfect, although he was obviously a screw up. I think she'd lways be making Bobby work harder and harder for her attention, while cutting off all the things he got joy in - which could be why he was in the military, police, detective et al.

The world needs Todd icons. I have a stack of CI icons I haven't used, I'll pop them up on the weekend.

[vxangelkissxv.livejournal.com]

Pretty much the funniest thing I've read all day! I even had to go back and read your Blind Spot recap - too hillarious! I think Todd deserves his own icon, a place in the fandom.

[piecesofalice.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking Todd's place in the fandom is SOLID. It should be a rule - check your coat at the door and collect your Todd icon, welcome to the fandom ;)

[folieaduexx.livejournal.com]

I already knew she was appearing because I read your journal, ding ding, but unfortunately the first thing I thought when I saw the show was "So Bobby's part Puerto Rican?" only because she sounded like she was using a thicker accent but maybe that was just me, I still thought it a great episode. This season I was trepidatious about because I was afraid with this new style it was going to be all style and no substance, you know, but they've all done an amazing job.

[piecesofalice.livejournal.com]

I think they're hinting that he has a little ethnicity in him, with his mum's casting anyway. He's quite ambigious about his heritage, anyway, so I suppose it gives them another aspect to work with.

I'm loving this season. I was worried, too, but they've just blown me away. And it's kicking ass in the ratings, too, so hopefully they'll keep going down this route.

[manin-cognito.livejournal.com]

damn you, i was holding off downloading the new eps, because my download quota just couldn't handle another show, but you drove me to get this and now i have to go back and get the rest

[piecesofalice.livejournal.com]

Aw, I'm sorry :) I promise, it's worth it!

[aj.livejournal.com]

You said this much funnier than I did (and with pictures!) but. OMG, I AGREE. Just.. it was totally an orgy of continuity and hints that got MADE CANON and made my brain go happy-splody EVERYWHERE. I forget how much I know about this series until they do an episode like this, and then I go to my happy place repeatedly because... OMG.

IT FITS LIKE A PUZZLE. A PUZZLE OF AWESOME.

[piecesofalice.livejournal.com]

UM OKAY, YOU AND I HAVE TO BE FRIENDS NOW.

*adds you*

[aj.livejournal.com]

I KIND OF AGREE! *adds you back*

[baggers.livejournal.com]

so. five million years later, i watch this episode, and then remember you recapped this ep and HEY WHAT DO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A CAP OF THE ONE THING I LOLLED AT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE BEFORE MY HEAD EXPLODED LIKE GOREN'S AT THE END.


"IIIIIII'M INNA BUSH!"

[rockontheedge.livejournal.com]

This whole thing cracks me up. XD Your commentary is priceless. I especially loved the whole "Goren and Eames go to marriage counseling" bit and the Todd. Also, I thought the above screencap is the most hilarious thing ever and called for an icon. Heeh! (http://photobucket.com/) [/nerd] Anyway, I thought it was quite the episode too, I was the most tensed up I think I've ever been in a CI ep (even more than so than 'Blind Spot' I think, since I'd heard that Eames would be all right), but I seriously hope they don't make things go too much worse for Goren-- agh. I'm not ready for D'onofrio to make the character deteriorate completely yet like he's said he will.

[piecesofalice.livejournal.com]

BEST. ICON. EVER. Hiding! In a bush! From TODD!

I think Goren's deteriorating pretty rapidly - from the way he was in Season One to how he is now, it is a very obvious difference. I guess it's been deliberate on VDO's part - but, like you said, I hope he doesn't let Goren go completely yet. What will we do then?! Watch the Ross and TODD Show?!

[rockontheedge.livejournal.com]

Hah, thank you! I was giggling practically the whole time I was making it. *cough* I hope you don't mind, but I um...made this too.
(http://photobucket.com/)
I just couldn't get the situation out of my head. I won't use it or post it anywhere if you don't want though, since you did write it. Eeh. I just couldn't resist.

Anyway, but..YES! I know would watch that show. I feel its existence would almost make the demise of CI that will come whenever Goren goes (or leaves us for his own little world in his head) okay. It would be like a sitcom, with murder and Todd issues!

[piecesofalice.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow - that icon? I think you surpassed your other one. I'm kind of embarrassed but really really happy that my lame jokes make other people laugh as much as they make me laugh. "STOP EATING THE ROSES, BOBBY."

I think the show should be Captain and TODD, his zany, wife-stealing sidekick. They hide in bushes! They eat turkey! They occasionally fight crime...or something! I am totally faxing Dick Wolf tomorrow.

[rockontheedge.livejournal.com]

XD *is ridiciously late in replying* Haha, oh no. They're very much enjoyed. Also, I think that your show idea would be awesome for a Dick Wolf transition into comedy. *goes off to read the new recaps*

[aj.livejournal.com]

OMG, I MUST STEAL THIS. WILL CREDIT. OMG.

[hya.livejournal.com]

OKay, here via familyarchives who was all, "TODD! and CAPTAIN BITCH PLZ" and I was all, "WTF ARE YOU TAKING ABOUT WOMAN, TAKE YOUR GOOD MEDS," and then she linked me here, by way of explanation and to prove she isn't the CRAZY, and so. UH. I finally get it!

This recap was great. You're gonna do one for tonight's ep, right?